Sunday, February 5, 2012

February 5th Day 03: Something with which you struggle.

Day 03: Something with which you struggle.

I struggle with doing things that I want. I struggle with not feeling guilty about what I want to do and how it will affect some one else. Any one else. My friends, my family, my loved ones. It's all the same. If I feel that what I want to do could hurt or upset them, I'm less likely to do it. Most of the time I won't do it at all. If I think what I decide to do could hurt some one, I just can't bring my mind to make that decision.

I don't understand where the necessity of doing everything for every one else came from or why I also take it upon myself to do what others want instead. It isn't like I put my happiness below others but I feel that I'm always striving to pacify others wants than my own. Coming to South Korea, to me at least, was the first pure "me-only" decision I've made in years.  It really is something I feel is to help me further myself while giving up on being there for every one else. I can't pacify or do something for any one when I'm 6000 to 7000 miles away. In this choice I have to make even harder choices that in the end, are the best for me.

I struggle with those decisions, with what decisions are the best for me. Can I truly be happy continually flitting about pleasing others? No, I'll feel like I'm living my life for others. I won't be doing what makes me happy. And what is it that makes me happy? I'll have to get back to you on that.

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