Thursday, February 23, 2012

February 23rd Day 09: What seems to be lacking currently for your true happiness right now?

Day 09: What seems to be lacking currently for your true happiness right now?

True happiness is something I feel every one is striving for. We are always working towards being happy yet it never seems like it is ever reached. I feel that I am keeping myself from being happy because I think of what others would prefer. I don't really put myself first most of the time and it does hinder my judgements.

I feel stuck by some decisions I have to make and I don't like either choice. Making a pro and con list isn't helpful and weighing the lesser of two evils results in the same confusion. What I want to do and what I should do are very conflicting.

Where my focus should be is on where I want to be in a year. Do I still want to be where I am right now? Do I want to be back in the states? Do I want to be in a different country? I don't really know right now.

Friday, February 10, 2012

February 10th Day 08: What led you to where you are right now?

Day 08: What led you to where you are right now?

Last year in January I was going through a really hard time. I had ended a relationship and was feeling very lost and uncertain about my future. It wasn't that I thought my relationship would have led me to all my happiness, but when it ended, I realized that I had spent so much time being so unhappy with it and losing my best friend that I was confused about what I wanted anymore. I didn't know where I was heading and I wasn't sure where to turn. Probably why my relationship wasn't working out as well because I didn't know if it was what I wanted any more too. I also  was already making my parents' lives miserable by being miserable with moving in with them and living in a state I knew no one and I had not spent that much time with the people I now miss terribly. I had not been a good friend and I had not been very good to myself.
I started thinking about what it was that I had wanted to do and my mom reminded me that when I was in high school I had said I wanted to travel in my life and I wanted to go places. Well, being single, in my twenties and no real commitments any where, I decided that I would research different teaching programs abroad and see if I could get a job. And obviously I did. Once I figured out that this was where I wanted to be, things got better. I was happier, I felt better about myself and I was generally a better friend(I'd like to think at least). I went out more and did more things with friends. I was nicer to my parents. I dated new people. I got back together with my boyfriend eventually. I was happier and I was in a better place.
And I'm back to where I was a year ago. My job contract is only for one year and I KNOW I need to figure out what I might be doing in a year from now. Am I going to stay in South Korea for another 6 months? Or am I going to move back to the states and not have a job for a while and wait a year till I go to grad school? Should I start looking into another country to move to and work there?
These things bother me because I still do not have a clear idea of where I am heading in my life and it affects my psyche.

February 9th Day 07: What is a fear you have continued with you that you have not let go of?

Day 07: What is a fear you have continued with you that you have not let go of?

The fear of not disappointing my family and friends. This goes back to Day 3 and what I had said there. Yet continually to delve into my own psyche I know that if I disappoint them I will disappoint myself more. I do not like the idea of not accomplishing something wonderful in my life. Not pushing myself to the fullest and living my life with what I want to do. But also staying true to myself and who I am with my values and beliefs. I hate when I feel like I jeopardizing what I want for what others want or changing to suit some one else.

I fear not doing something because I fear what the result will be if I do it.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

February 8th Day 05: Something in life that gives you balance.

Day 05: Something in life that gives you balance.

So, I skipped five on accident, so Day 5 and 6 should be switched around.

Something that gives me balance in my life is my family. While at times I can be self involved or overly critical of myself, they are my best support system. They also bring me perspective on what is important for myself and my life. My parents are incredibly supportive of my decision to have come to South Korea to teach even if it means that they wouldn't be able to see me for a year or less. They support my decision to go to grad school and (if I can get into the program and make it) be a writer. Or a teacher. Or anything I want to do in my life, as long as it makes me happy.
I try and focus on what makes me happy by also thinking about what would make them proud of me. I try to live up to what they taught me and what they see for me in my future. They want me to be happy and sometimes we may disagree on what that is, but I know they mean well. I know that just want me to do what is right for me.
My family balances out my loneliness and they make me feel loved. I appreciate their support while I am here and the messages I get from them. My mom will remind me that I need to take care of myself but I also need to let loose so that I don't go crazy in my apartment.

I miss them a lot too.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

February 7th Day 06: Something that excites you and fills you with joy.

Day 06: Something that excites you and fills you with joy.

The new possibilities of what being in South Korea will do for me. The new places to see that I would never have the chance to see if I hadn't taken this journey. The new people I am meeting and learning from. It really does excite me knowing that there are so many different opportunities for me out here that never would have happened if I had stayed in the states.
It is amazing how different things are here and what I am learning from the people I am meeting and just observing in a different culture. I would not say that Korean culture is better than the US or other western countries, but it gives a different perspective on a lot of things. I definitely do not agree with the sexism here and how a lot of women are treated. 
I am excited by everything I get to do and see here and what I will learn while I live in South Korea.

Monday, February 6, 2012

February 6 Day 04: Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy.

Day 04: Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy.

I enjoy my Sunday evenings, soon to be my Saturday morning or Sunday morning, cooking times. During the week I have little to no energy to make my dinner and I am getting sick of Ramen here, so I try to cook something different every week. I bought a bunch of rice when I first moved to South Korea and I am just now getting through the second bag of rice. I'm hoping one of these weekends I can go to the foreign food market in Seoul and buy my replacement carb, Quinoa, which also has protein and would be great for replacing both rice and pasta from my diet. It also tastes yummy!

Anyway, I really enjoy this time because I can just turn on some music or watch a movie while I prep and make everything. Depending on what I am making, if it's just my rice/pasta, meat, and veggie routine I've been doing, it will take about 2 hours for everything. I have been pretty boring, I typically buy every week or every other week two bell peppers, an onion, garlic, meat and if needed a sauce. It is also incredibly relaxing for me to do this. Especially when I am stressed out or upset about something. It allows me to vent and get my frustrations out all at once.

I haven't given myself a very strict routine while here because of how flexible a lot of my time seems to be. I'm staying up later, waking up later, and being less and less productive on the weekends. The cooking on the weekend is about the only thing that is always set in stone and done. I try not to waste too much food during the week so this is something that keeps me only buying what I need every week and what I will eat too.  I also tend to be more responsible with my money knowing that on Sunday or Saturday, I'll be buying my food for the next week and I only have this much money to buy that much food with.

Oh the beginnings of adulthood!


Sunday, February 5, 2012

February 5th Day 03: Something with which you struggle.

Day 03: Something with which you struggle.

I struggle with doing things that I want. I struggle with not feeling guilty about what I want to do and how it will affect some one else. Any one else. My friends, my family, my loved ones. It's all the same. If I feel that what I want to do could hurt or upset them, I'm less likely to do it. Most of the time I won't do it at all. If I think what I decide to do could hurt some one, I just can't bring my mind to make that decision.

I don't understand where the necessity of doing everything for every one else came from or why I also take it upon myself to do what others want instead. It isn't like I put my happiness below others but I feel that I'm always striving to pacify others wants than my own. Coming to South Korea, to me at least, was the first pure "me-only" decision I've made in years.  It really is something I feel is to help me further myself while giving up on being there for every one else. I can't pacify or do something for any one when I'm 6000 to 7000 miles away. In this choice I have to make even harder choices that in the end, are the best for me.

I struggle with those decisions, with what decisions are the best for me. Can I truly be happy continually flitting about pleasing others? No, I'll feel like I'm living my life for others. I won't be doing what makes me happy. And what is it that makes me happy? I'll have to get back to you on that.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

February 4th Day 02: Something you regret not having done last year.

Day 02: Something you regret not having done last year.

I regret not having taking more weekends to travel around New England and going down into NYC at least once. I regret not spending more time with my friends and being more involved in their lives. I regret not participating more within my life so that these regrets would be irrelevant.

Regret is such a fickle thing. Living with no regrets is something I had strived for more in college but after a while, it just seems easier to stop actively living your life and let it slip by when you start to feel like you have no grip on it. Yet once you let life go like that it is so hard to get it back. You stay with what is comfortable instead of what is good for you. You let others take advantage of you because you worry that since you let others you were close to out of your life that you will never truly be appreciated again.

Yet this post is about what I regret NOT having done last year. It's not what I regret doing or what I regret happened. Which are really two separate sorts of regrets. You can regret so many things in life that it can overwhelm until that all life is, full of regrets. I do not want to live in that world. I do not want to be trapped with in that either.

I'll always have regrets but it's time to let go of the passivity that regrets give you about your life. I need to be more active.

Friday, February 3, 2012

February 3rd Day 01: Something you're looking forward to this year.

Day 01: Something you're looking forward to this year.

Well evidently by the fact that I am in South Korea, I am looking forward to traveling around Asia. So far, I have accomplished being in China(even if for a brief time period), traveled to South East Asia in Singapore and have begun plans to travel around South Korea more. I'm also looking forward to being a part of a choir again and participating in a concert with them. It has been since my freshmen year of college that I have been in a choir and it is something that I miss frequently, especially whenever I listen to music.
I'm also excited about accomplishing, possibly, a half marathon in the coming months! I have never been a very good distance runner but I am desparate to sort out a large amount of my life and I feel that by doing this I could begin a journey of healthy living.
Also, I'm excited that I am taking more and more time to write for myself as well as delving into what I want to write about. I am not the best writer in the world, nor will I ever be very eloquent in my writing. I am though honest with myself in my writing and do not give little lies about it.
I aexcited to have this opportunity teching because it is allowing me to experience a whole other culture and see how the education system works in another place. I am definitely absorbing a lot while I am here in hopes of truly understanding what I am meant to be doing with my life.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

31 Day Writing Challenge

In order for me to try and organize my own thoughts as well as write more, I'm going to start this 30 Day Writing Challenge. I'll try to write every day so that I stay on top of it but it may turn into a post 3 times a week for ten weeks. This way, I'm writing a bit more as well as documenting more of what I am doing here. Also, in hopes of stiring up more traffic for this blog as well, these will all be changed to reflect on the time I have spent since graduating from college and what I am currently planning fo my life.
  • Day 01: Something you're looking forward to this year.
  • Day 02: Something you regret not having done last year.
  • Day 03: Something with which you struggle.
  • Day 04: Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy.
  • Day 05: Something in life that gives you balance.
  • Day 06: Something that excites you and fills you with joy.
  • Day 07: ?? What is a fear you have continued with you that you have not let go of?
  • Day 08: ?? What led you to where you are right now?
  • Day 09: ?? What seems to be lacking currently for your true happiness righ tnow?
  • Day 10: Something at which you've been a champion or the best.
  • Day 11: Something about which people seem to compliment you.
  • Day 12: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
  • Day 13: Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.
  • Day 14: Someone who has made your life worth living.
  • Day 15: A band/musical artist whose music impacted your life.
  • Day 16: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
  • Day 17: Someone with whom you shared a friendship/relationship that simply drifted out of your life.
  • Day 18: Someone you met randomly that's made an impact on your life.
  • Day 19: Something that shook your belief system to its core (a big disappointment in your life).
  • Day 20: Discuss your favorite movie and why it's so special to you.
  • Day 21: Write about your best friend (not significant other) and what makes them special.
  • Day 22: Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life.
  • Day 23: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.
  • Day 24: Discuss a spontaneous moment in your life that that turned out to be fantastic.
  • Day 25: Discuss something you planned that ended up not being what you expected.
  • Day 26: How do you handle/deal with both success and failure?
  • Day 27: What is your vocation (why are you here on earth)?
  • Day 28: What is your biggest dream in life (what one great thing do you want to accomplish)?
  • Day 29: What WAS your biggest dream in life (you wanted to do as a kid but no longer can)?
  • Day 30: Someone in your family that means so much to you.
  • Day 31: Epilogue: Write a letter to yourself.
So starting tomorrow, February 3rd to March 5th I will be writing hopefully one short exceprt a day. These may have pictures so stay tuned!